A Simple Question

Cycling through some frames

Baby sometimes says “how are YOU” quite musically. There was a brief golden window when she realized the response might be “good” or as she said it “goot” and it was very cute. But then she figured out it was more fun to just keep responding to “how are you” with “how are YOU” in an infinite, glorious loop.

When I am asked “how are YOU" I am not sure how to answer. It is a vexing question. I’m great, man. Sincerely living the dream. But also…

Depression

There are a lot of ways to think about depression. Of course it coincides with low mood, and low mood is a big part of its essence. But there’s also a difficulty in making deals with the self, with regulating things, with being willing to take basic, clearly positive actions.

When I wanted a baby and didn’t have one, I was often depressed in the low mood sense, but there was a clear thing causing that low mood. I am happy to report this was no illusion, no hill that, once climbed, caused another hill to magically appear. Having a baby solved the emotional problem. Recommended.

In the baby era, though, I am still sometimes depressed in the more ineffable sense. It’s hard to pick up the toys, and I feel awful about the fact that it’s hard to pick up the toys, and my head hurts but it’s hard to drink water, and I haven’t slept enough but when 11pm comes around it’s hard to stop gaming, and then it’s midnight, and then it’s 1am. A month ago, it was actively exciting to get to bed on time, to try my best to feel good and reap the rewards, and to take pride in this basic regulation. Now, not so much.

Lo! A vista opens before me, as I type these words, and thus arrange these thoughts. I have spent just a little too long under the header “depression” and its ways are coloring my ways.

Prioritization

Two months ago, I knew what I needed to do to improve. I needed to look after baby overnight more often, and tidy the house. Well, I do look after baby 3 nights a week now, and the house is somewhat - but not extremely - tidier. I am not sure what’s next. It feels difficult to simply defend the territory I already have, and I wonder if pushing further on these frontiers will send me into Siberia, where gains are slim and collateral damage high.

Still, there are so many other frontiers! How to choose one? It would be very good to improve my diet, but how? Cutting down on unhealthy stuff? Cooking at home more? Integrating more protein, including protein shakes? Likewise, my exercise. But when I try to work out at the gym I get so tired these days, in a weird, bad way I didn’t used to a few years ago. Should I push through this? Try a different approach? Cut down my ambition per workout? Treat it as an extension of the dietary problem, and force down protein I don’t really want? Treat it as a medical problem, and try the roulette of specialists who will very likely say “oh yeah I dunno, long covid” and leave me with nothing in particular to do?

Nor do these frontiers feel like the important ones. The important ones feel more like “be more secure in my relationships” or “feel like I have a handle on what’s going on in the world, or else a stoic peace about not having such a handle.” But I’m not sure how to get traction there. Therapy? Feels like it could help or hurt, and demand far outstrips supply in my area. Medication? Let’s put a pin there; I have spent all the energy in reserve for “prioritization.”

Confusion

Literally speaking, I know it’s totally possible to be having a great time on the macro level, and yet struggle under some difficult micro-level mental weather. I got a nasty flu a couple weeks ago. Then my wife went off to mardi gras, and I lived with my in-laws and baby for a week with her gone. My in-laws looked after baby as I got over sickness, including overnight, which was great but also disrupted my routine and one of my recent sources of self worth. Meanwhile, work was intense including on an industry-spanning level, and when my wife got back she was immediately really sick, and now baby is sick, and I still have lingering flulike symptoms.

I’m under lots of transient stressors. I am handling these exactly like a person under stress generally would. I seek comforting behaviors. I want to game too much. It’s hard to pursue goals, or believe viscerally that stuff will soon be better.

But the weirdest part is like, this lacuna clearly exists in a really wonderful era. I feel like I should feel the wonderfulness, like I have no right to be having a bad time. Yet, well, my head hurts. Nor is it a thought I can reason with; I don’t think I should be feeling great. I think my struggling, such as it is, probably makes sense. But I feel like I should feel better. And so I feel like something is wrong with me. And also like I have spent too long under the heading of “confusion.”

Resolution

I’m good.