From Eneasz Brodski’s recent post, Are Things Masculine:
The tragedy of realizing one will drown if they cannot secure their own footing in the world is a core reality of masculinity. It is part of the narrative of life in a male body, and every man who isn’t shielded by extended childhood will come to realize this. It can befall women too, but it isn’t definitionally a part of their existence due to their very biology.
That post is an elaborate and heartfelt defense of this claim, from a previous post:
The thing I learned in childhood, and was proven true over and over in life, is that I must always be able to stand up on my own. Other people will inevitably be torn away, everything dies, and I’ll be left drowning if I’m not already secure solo.
This is a core reality of masculinity.
Basically, Eneasz argues that men are physically stronger and evolutionarily more expendable, since we can’t bear children. Meanwhile, women are more vulnerable and evolutionarily indispensable, so people have stronger instincts to protect and care for them. Thus, due to the long shadow of evolutionary pressure, self-reliance is a masculine virtue, and even today, men need it more urgently on average.
I like Eneasz’s post. It’s a succinct, compelling, and non-aggrieved presentation of a coherent worldview. Such things are rare when posting about gender! Also, I read Warren Farrell in middle school (luckily, I was too young to get sucked into related online communities), and so am familiar with arguments about male disposability. Gender, man. What troublesome stuff.
This isn’t a “contra” post. I’m not against anything. That’s right, baby: I’m for it all! But I do want to point to my own effete experience, and remix the evolutionary picture.
Am I An Island?
Haha, no. If self-reliance is a masculine virtue, then I am among its failsons. There are many skills that would be useful for me to have, even in the modern world with all of its conveniences, that I’ve not cultivated. Like, when I was younger I’d occasionally have to catch a big scary spider or roach.1 I didn’t much like this, and wasn’t very good at it. So once I had roommates who were less afraid of spiders and roaches, I’d shamelessly rope them in, and now that I have a wife who is also less afraid of spiders and roaches, she handles it for me.
But I lead with the bugs thing because it’s sort of coquettish: “look at me, just a little guy who’s scared of creepy crawlies!” In fact, my reliance on others gets way less cute. I routinely am overloaded opening a fridge, and find it easier to just go to a restaurant, which is a near-pathological degree of specialization. I forget to take painkillers even with an awful headache all day, until someone reminds me. When other people support me, I accept it eagerly, usually without thinking all that hard about the specific ways I’m providing value in return. I hope I do provide value in the fullness of time, by being a caring and thoughtful person, but I don’t track it super closely. And when I was younger and extra cute, people totally did spoil me sometimes: in college some friends, who I don’t recall ever doing any special favors, made me a birthday cake as a fun surprise.
You may notice that my framing for that last part is pretty femme. And indeed, I do basically agree with Eneasz that basking in people’s adoration is feminine-coded. Perhaps even for evolutionary reasons. Who’s to say?
Where I disagree, at least personally, is that being born XY hasn’t much forced me to be self-reliant. Do “more men than women” have to? Sure, maybe. But it’s far from universal. Since Yankee Doodle immemorial, male aesthetes have been cocking our heads for the female gaze, and accepting their affections without hauling a single log across a ravine. May we long continue!
What About Evolution?
Look, as far as I know the “wombs precious, men expendable” thing is a valid evolutionary story. It’s definitely emotionally arresting, especially as a male vaguely uncomfortable with gender. In middle school, the concept clicked deliciously against a long-standing feeling: “Oh! That’s the horribleness with being male! Women are intrinsically valuable, and I, as a boy, am unfortunately expendable.”
But I think it’s too easy to fall in love with this kind of evolutionary story, for two reasons. One, humans are extremely adaptable, including culturally, and do all kinds of wacky stuff with gender. That reason is often discussed elsewhere. Two, the fun one: just-so stories can cut both ways!
To present an exciting new theory, that I am making up right now:
During the tens of thousands of years of prehistorical human evolution, intertribal warfare was common. Whole tribes were routinely wiped out for their land or resources; in these situations, men were killed and women often enslaved. The women still had some reproductive shot (albeit a grim one) in this situation, but they and their children were sabotaged by the winning tribe’s women, such that defeated tribes had far less future genetic representation than victorious ones.
As a consequence, having marginal men to defend from conquest (and wage it) was extremely valuable. Even if a guy was basically useless, as long as he could hold a pointy stick he was usually worth keeping around. This is why men have such low-drama relationships and bond so readily through physical activities. Women, meanwhile, always had to be ready for fierce intrasexual social competition; either their tribe would assimilate another and they’d have to compete with sex slaves for their mates’ attention, or they’d become sex slaves and have to use all their moxie to survive and secure futures for their progeny. This is why the skill of self-reliance, to form new alliances at the drop of a hat and start over at a moment’s notice, is a quintessentially feminine virtue. Men, of course, have a complementary masculine virtue: that of no brother being left behind, and of banding together despite differences for team-based winner-takes-all competition.
Do I believe that story? I dunno, man, I’m just playing. Gender should be fun!
If you’re from a temperate climate you may be picturing the tiny German kind that invade your kitchen. No. The kind I mean is gigantic and has wings.
This was really good, and I love the pic too. :) Ty for the counter-opinion!